I need some inspiration here ...

... because I can't stop the tears from falling. It is 8 a.m. on the day that we are to leave Russia. In two hours we go to the baby home to say goodbye to our daughter. The bond that we have formed over three short days is absolutely indescribable ... words cannot describe it. I have kept it together this week by not thinking about the goodbye, and now I'm staring it in the face. Some words of inspiration would be most appreciated. I don't want to go to the baby home a blubbering mess ... but what else am I to do? This has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

Taking it a level deeper

Today was a great day ... even more so than yesterday. Our first day here, Tuesday, was a bit emotional for me. As soon as we got here, we were shown relinquishment letters handwritten by Addison's birth parents and that just made me really emotional. Going through this whole process, you tend to forget that this child came from another place. She really did belong to someone prior to being placed in the baby home.

Going into Wednesday, I think I was so nervous at how things would happen, that my emotions were frozen. I felt like I was discussing and meeting someone else's child. Not sure how else to explain it. So no, I did not cry when I first met her. Granted, I didn't cry when I gave birth to my two kids either. My emotions don't work well under stress ... but man, when the stress leaves, my emotions work on over drive. LOL. Nonetheless, we were completely smitten with Addison yesterday ... and even more so today!

Today we were able to just relax and get to know her a little more. Although having two people trying to bond with one child can be tough ... we did a lot of passing back and forth. It is also really hard knowing that we have to leave her here in a few days and I'm trying to not let that control my emotions. Knowing you are going to hurt ... well of course you try to guard that. I didn't think I'd have that hard of a time with it because I know she is in a great baby home and she is genuinely happy there ... but, I guess none of that matters when it is your child. Sigh.

All of that aside ... Addison is just amazing! When we arrived at the baby home this morning, she was outside on the playground sitting in a stroller. She totally recognized us and put her arms up for me to pick her up ... so cute! She does the cutest things ... my favorite of which is sucking on her two fingers and just nuzzling her head into your shoulder ... my heart melted every time.

Here she is sleeping on the momma ...

And also on the poppa ... she was tuckered out today!

A whirlwind of emotions

We are only days from stepping foot on a plane to go meet our newest daughter and that brings with it a whirlwind of emotions. Excited. Nervous. Scared. All of those things at the same time.

I'm excited to meet her. I'm excited to experience this new culture while I try to find something to eat so I don't starve. I'm excited to visit the orphanage and see what kind of awareness we can bring surrounding kids with Down syndrome. I'm excited to have this adoption experience.

I'm nervous to leave my kids at home. I'm nervous for what would happen to my kids if something happened to Kyle and I. Stop telling me not to think like that. I'm nervous to fly for that many hours on a plane. What if something happens? I'm nervous to meet with the Russian officials. I'm nervous to how they will react to someone who wants to adopt a child with Down syndrome. I'm nervous that they will look down on us.

I'm scared to fly for that many hours on a plane. I pretty much think that is all I'm scared about. LOL

Touched by our community

After the article about our family was published on Thursday, we found our community reaching out to us. That was such an awesome feeling. I never really know what to expect from people after they learn our child has Down syndrome ... and that we are adopting another child with Down syndrome.

On Thursday afternoon, I got an email from a local mom who wanted to donate some stuff for our garage sale. She learned about us through a friend who had seen a post on a local mom's group about our story and our garage sale. I was touched in two ways ... one because someone {whom I believe lives a street over, but I do not personally know} was nice enough to post to local moms asking them to support us ... and two because a local mom went out of her way to drop off some donations.

A bit later, an older gentleman knocked on my door. I honestly thought he was going to ask if he could shop early. I opened the door and he said, "Well, hello there darling. I read your story in the paper and I was so touched by it. I have some things I want to give you for your sale." I about cried ... this man was so sweet, so genuine. He gave us a lawn mower, coffee pot and a toaster oven.

So, if you are reading ... thank you so much to those of you who have reached out to us from our community. It means more to us than you will ever know!

Words With Meaning

This morning, I was reading Kris' blog ... she is in Estonia right now adopting little Amanda, who has Down syndrome. Kris commented about her trip to the store with Amanda and how uneasy she felt when people around her stopped and peered at Amanda, did a double take or grabbed sleeves and pointed at her. These type of things make her wary of venturing out with Amanda during their time there and at the same time, Kris said she wants to say ...

"It is because of these feelings you have about these precious children that I am here, to give her a life she could never have in your country."

So profound. So true.

A talk with my aunt {and some random thoughts}

When I was telling my aunt about our adoption plans, I was trying to explain to her the impact that Payton has had on our lives, on a level that she may not realize. It is hard to put into words, but I truly feel that I would not have experienced parenthood in the way that I have if Payton had not entered our lives. Loving a special needs child is so different than loving a typical child. It is very hard to make someone on the outside to understand this when they have no experience, but I know many parents of children with Down syndrome know exactly what I am saying.

You see, as parents we tend to take things that our children do for granted. We expect them to to walk by about one year of age, we expect them to start talking soon after that. We expect things from them because that is how a child typically develops and we cherish those milestones.

But ... what happens if your child does not walk by their first birthday, or if they still don't really talk at 2 years old, or if they still have to eat some baby food at 2 1/2 years old because they have oral aversions? Welcome to my world ... but don't pity me. We feel so blessed to have a happy and healthy child in our lives, that these silly things have become so minute. Sure, we still want these things for her, but we don't worry because we know one day she will get there. And when she does get there, it makes it that much more worth it.

In the words of my friend McKenna, we "want more of that love". And that is part of the reason we want to adopt a child with Down syndrome.

The Impact of Adoption

I was talking to my friend McKenna (my long lost twin and an amazingly supportive person, by the way) a couple weeks ago and she was saying how amazing it is that you can be touched so deeply by watching someone adopt a child. I totally agreed with her and told her that I might not be where I am if I had not become so encompassed with the adoption journey of the Urban Family.

Prior to beginning the Urban's journey, they had four typical children. They decided that they wanted to open their hearts to a child with Down syndrome and committed to adopt Ms. Ava from Ukraine. She was four years old when they got to her and she had lived in a crib her entire life. She was a tiny little girl and did not have many skills. After getting to Ukraine and seeing Ava's condition, it took a huge heart to accept her for what she was and to understand that she had potential. That is exactly what the Urban's did. I think watching them fall in love with a child with Down syndrome, something that had previously been outside of their norm, is what got me so interested in their journey. Since being home, Ava has absolutely flourished and is impacting people everywhere!

So, that is one reason that I believe I became even more interested in adoption. Seeing someone go through it first hand and come out of it with such success. During my conversation with McKenna, she went on to say that we will impact people during our journey, and so on and so forth. Amazing to think that these babies might get homes just because we blog about our experiences.

No Regrets

When we first started this process, we basically spent months trying to hash out in our minds whether or not this was the path we were supposed to take. During that time, we went back and forth, questioning this and questioning that. It can be a very scary, nerve wracking thing to not have information and to jump in blind, so to speak.

I can say that we have no regrets. None. Nada. I am confident that things will continue to fall into place, as they have already been doing. I am not fearful of what is to come. We can handle it. We would not be where we are today if we were unsure about any of this.

We are excited and we cannot wait to get Addison home.

We cannot wait to tell her that she has a mommy and a daddy that love her and that she can depend on.

We cannot wait to tell her that she has a brother and a sister waiting for her at home.

We cannot wait to tell her that she will not spend the rest of her life wasting away in an institution because nobody wanted her.

We cannot wait to feel the love and joy that she will provide to our family.

We cannot wait to see her blossom when she gets home.

We cannot wait to show her what it feels like to be loved.

We cannot wait. We cannot wait. We cannot wait!

Powerful message about adoption

While I was raised going to church here and there, I would not necessarily consider myself a religious person. I do, however, have a special relationship with God, and He is the one who has carried me through the past two months of intense decision making regarding our adoption. I do believe that he chose Kyle and I to be the parents to a special needs child for a reason. I also believe that He is calling us to adopt for a reason. Many people may think we have absolutely lost our minds in wanting to adopt a child with special needs. I only hope that their hearts will be expanded by following our journey to bring Addison home. Did I mention we decided to name her Addison? :)

I wanted to share this message from John Piper ...

Things are going smooth

I have such a good feeling about our adoption today. Things just seem to be falling into place with our paperwork, and we are less than a week into it. I have read stories about families having trouble with the simplest things, like getting their doctor to write a letter attesting to their health. I dropped off our medical forms today and requested a letter from the kids' pediatrician ... I had all of them back in my hands within hours ... amazing! I think God is definitely on our side! :)